Dear, Pain

You are my enemy.

You are always there lingering. Sometimes you are loud and demanding. You suck out the energy and light in every room you walk in. You are exhausting and annoying. You are selfish and inconsiderate. You are everywhere always. In the peripheral of my minds eye always ready to attack. I do everything in my power to limit your hold. Yet, you always find a way to sneak back into my mind ready and willing to infiltrate.

You are my friend.

You remind me of how much I have traveled and survived. You can be a hard pill to swallow sometimes. However, your existence rudely reminds me to never go backwards. It pushes me to always look forward. I owe almost all my growth and accomplishments to you and how you made me feel. You helped me realize my worth and how much love I deserve. You have become an indicator of when something isn’t meant for me. You helped me avoid what was not meant for me. Thanks to you, I wouldn’t find joy in the things only you could have brought me to.

You are a part of me.

You have been in my life for so long that when you are quiet and appear smaller, I feel lost. I find myself looking for you, filled with so much unease with your absence; I search for you. You have become an important accessory I wear on my shoulder. You are always ready to give me advice and guidance on what to avoid and who to be. I have days or even weeks when I feel better off without you. I feel like I can finally let go of the toxic relationship we have. But then a flash of a memory comes to mind. A familiar smell from my past grabs my attention. My dear friend, there you are, ready to hold me captive just a little longer. I’ve missed you. Without you, I can live this life and be daring. Take up space and be loud like how I used to be. I can be free, but you remind me that freedom comes with a price. Flying and soaring through life is risky. I might fall and get hurt. It’s best if you and I just stay on the ground where it’s safe.