Dear, G

I scrolled through your Instagram today. I saw how amazing you’ve been doing. You look so much more alive and more like your old self—the woman I remember looking up to when I was a young girl. Your daughter looks so beautiful too!

Although you and your family caused my sisters and me so much pain—pain that we are still healing from—oddly enough, I still find myself praying for your happiness and health for you and your little family. I still wonder what you would do in situations I’m in and, deep down, still look for your approval like when I was a child.

I’m not sure if it means I’m weak… It might, but isn’t that what loving someone is? Choosing to love means being vulnerable, and it’s the love you receive that gives you the strength you feel when you love someone who is deserving. You were never deserving because I never felt strong in your love.

I think about you a lot, though. You were the big sister I always wanted. I look for parts of you in everything. I look for parts of you in me. Now that I am at this point in my life and enough time has passed, I feel my strength coming back. Even though you were someone who gave me so much hurt, I think you would be proud.